In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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