Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
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