I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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