i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
