Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
