Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
