im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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