Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
