I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
