Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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