i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
