do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
