Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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