My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
