I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
