I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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