meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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