Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
did you just send me my own nude
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
