seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
