tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize