Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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