He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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