Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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