and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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