Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
