I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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