chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
