I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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