Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
barbara walters just said penis...
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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