you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
