Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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