PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
