I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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