I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
