when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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