my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
