and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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