literally had 100 drinks last night.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
did i just pee glitter
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
