She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She needs sedatives and a leash
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
