Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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