I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
