Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
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She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.