Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.