I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I don't deserve a penis
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
