hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Randomize
