I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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