I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
