my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
