already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
