She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
