I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
