I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
