What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
