when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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