I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
