I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
